Yes, folks, it’s hairball season again. Your feline friends are coughing up their dinners on a regular basis. Don’t you wish somebody would invent CARPET-COLORED CAT FOOD? Some clever person needs to come up with kibble in a prettier palette. Chicken is white meat, for heaven’s sake. Why can’t chicken cat food be a nice, creamy beige or ivory? Maybe even pinks and blues could be coaxed out by some clever person, to match the homes that were last carpeted in 1990. I would totally do this if I had the know-how. Dear Mr. Purina: Get on it.
So far, “wireless” is not reaching its potential. We want wireless lamps, TVs, clocks, electric blankets. Seriously, how stupid is it that we still have to plug things into the wall to get them to work? Aren’t you sick of all those ugly, tangled cords? Isn’t it annoying that you have to arrange your furniture to obey the placement rules imposed by electricity sockets? Come on, people. Find a way to give us SOCKETLESS ELECTRICITY. Our appliances and whatever should have little receptors or something, a thingamajig that picks up electricity from the wall remotely. Freedom from phone jacks was a nice start, but we’re Americans, gol’ darn it. We want it all.
But what we really need in this country is a decent fat substitute. We have some fairly convincing sugar substitutes. Where is the nonfat fat? We need butter that won’t add to our butts. Shortening that won’t shorten our lives. “Fat free half and half” is a mysterious, but intriguing, product. If they can give you half milk and half cream with no fat (huh??), I’m hopeful that FAT-FREE BUTTER is on the horizon.